Pondering how to start this retelling of the Lakewood Rotary story of April 7, 2017, I had to ask myself: what if there were no hypothetical questions? Having no answer, I must report that Rose was again right on the mark, time-wise and otherwise, as she shut off all the splendid conversation in the room at exactly 12:30 with the ringing of the bell. Sadly, with the conversation cut off, Larry Clark was never able to answer my query: If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 
Oh, well.....Chris Kimball gave the invocation, Rose's friend Mike England led the pledge to the flag, and Rose recounted some projects in Great Britain for the Rotary Moment. Helping were Echo Curry and Mary Horn at the Auction table, Leon Titus at the Paul Harris table ($487 collected), and Tom Crabill at the drawing table (and also serving as Sgt At Arms). It's actually one big table, not three separate tables. Meanwhile, Eric Quinn served as photographer, and Duncan Cook and Troy Wilcox arranged all the stuff necessary to put on this weekly extravaganza.
Visiting Rotarians, as announced by Dave Reames and partially heard by the bulletin writer: Donna Eng from #8, Mike England from Vashon, and Vicki from Tacoma North.
John Caulfield's guest was Torrie Positas (not sure if this is spelled correctly, our apologies), who is a new employee of Lakewood.
Sunshine Report: John Forkenbrock was sending a card for Gayle Selden, a "Welcome Back!" card for her planned return on April 12. Or so.
It was at this point that some lost keys were returned to Rose. Which turned out to be hers, limiting the depth of the search. Which reminds me: why do they lock gas station bathrooms anyway? Are they afraid someone will break in and clean them?
Greg Horn took the stage to announce all the anniversaries.  Wedding: John Shaffer, Troy Wilcox, Kim Prentice, Bill Potter, Irwin with 2 N's in his first name, Rob Erb, Joe Ghilarducci, and  TedWier. The latter was the winner, 59 years married to Carol (who currently has bronchitis while Ted has a cold). Club anniversaries: Mary Marlin and Barbara Spriggs made it out of Puffin-dom, 1 year, along with multiple years for Kim Prentice, Mary Covelli-Johnson,  Paul Wulfestieg, Joan Strait, and Sam Hunter, Sam having 40 years in Lakewood Rotary. Birthdays: Dan Livingston, Bill White,Dave Betz, Mary Covelli-Johnson, Jerry Williams, Mark Edgecomb, Janie Frasier, and then these four who were actually there: Leon Titus (who once broke into UPS), Robert Wyrick (who once rolled his riding lawnmower into the lake), Mick Johnson (who once snuck a live cow into Clover Park High School), and Donn Irwin (who once took 16 tries to get up for 4 seconds in a splendid water skiing exhibition). These attending birthday boys all gave various amounts of money.
The Auction Approacheth
Two weeks left, says Rick Selden. He first lauded the wonderful job of  procurement by everyone, and thanked John Forkenbrock and Mountain View for a $2000 sponsorship (which they could apparently afford even after getting a new hearse). Then came the Big Request: Please invite paying customers! We still have 150 seats to fill, a critical ingredient to success. Chris Kimball then took the floor by playing a song from Pink Floyd from The Wall lp, "Another Brick in the Wall." (Did you know that Pink Floyd has sold more than 250 million albums worldwide? And that Dark Side of the Moon is the third biggest selling album of all time worldwide? And did you also know that "LP" stands for "long playing" or "long play?" And can you answer me this: If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Inquiring minds want to know.)
But back to the brick in the wall. At the auction, the "raise the paddle" event will be to purchase a "brick" which would be inscribed with something that you designate. It's not really an actual brick, but close enough. So if you have 10 grandkids, you should buy 10 "bricks." If you bought a slat at the Playground, you know how great that is to have your kids and grandkids go search out their piece of immortality. Plan on doing this!
And then Eric Quinn, also the photographer, reminded all to volunteer. We need a few more for Friday set up, Saturday setup, 4 more for Saturday reception, 4 for ticket sales, 1 bartender, 3 for post event clean up, and 12 more for Sunday cleanup. You can volunteer online by signing in to Clubrunner, clicking on Volunteers on the top right, then clicking on Signup Lists on the top left, and then clicking on Sportsmen's Dinner. We really, really, really need you to volunteer and participate in this Auction. This is our event. This is our only fundraising event. Let's make it happen, everyone!
Announcements and Fines:
Get your RSVPs in ASAP for the million dollar Paul Harris dinner.
We are at 100% for Every Rotary Every Year: every Lakewood Rotarian has contributed $100 or more to the Paul Harris Foundation this year. Stupendous.
Discussion on The Classic bike ride will be held next week, when Phil Eng returns from Down South Where It Is Warm And Dry.
Joe and Kris Quinn are first time grandparents, to Harper Kelly Quinn, a beautiful baby girl weighing 6 lbs and 4 oz at her first weigh in. Which is exactly 100 ounces, resulting in a fine of $100. Greg Horn later suggested that all grandchild birth fines should be $1.00 per ounce, and the fine be called a "Quinn." 
Above: There are not enough dark and foreboding photographs of Greg Horn, so the photographer captured one
Chuck Hellar got some publicity for selling his business, Chuckals, but that was 7 years ago. More recently, he was in Vero Beach, Florida, where they once had to survive a windy day that only reached 70 degrees.  $50
Robert Wyrick went to France, Spain, and Italy for 17 days.  $100
Paula Olson went to France as well, but got her phone pick-pocketed. She still paid a fine, though.
Ed Shannon returned from faraway Vancouver, Washington, where he played his 699th and 700th golf courses. $30 went to a fine, $70 to the Foundation.
Former city manager Andrew Neiditz introduced his successor, John Caulfield, to speak on the state of the City of Lakewood. Interesting that both these successful managers are long-time Rotarians. John started out in Boston, got his MBA at Seattle U, and then parlayed several city government jobs into the plum job in his field: City Manager for the City of Lakewood, since 2013. Three of the city's council members were present, because they, too, are Rotarians: Mary Moss, Jason Whalen, and Don Anderson. John also recognized the City's police chief, Mike Zaro, also a Lakewood Rotarian. Except that Mike still hasn't answered by query about what would happen if  one his officers arrested a mute: Do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?  But anyway, John proceeded to praise Lakewood as being like no other city in citizen involvement. Lakewood is the 18th biggest city in Washington (58,800), with a retail vacancy of less than 5%. The City's finances are strong: $37 Million in revenues last year (24% sales tax, 18% property tax, 15% utility tax) and $35 Million in expenditures. Lakewood has seen a decline in crime of 42% since 1996. Happy 20th Birthday to us in 2016, and thanks, John, for the update!
Above: A managerial, and almost presidential, photograph of John Caulfield, our presenter
Drawing: $250 with 19 white and 1 red chip. Dave Reames chose white.
And finally, Michael Lewis, my insurance broker: where were you today? I had an important question to ask: Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Next week: The Irwin with 2 N's in his first name is the writer, and he will be writing partly about the program, which will be the reflections of a U.S. District Court Judge, Judge Ron Leighton. Be there or be square.
Remember: If you shop on Amazon, do it through the Amazon Smile program. A percentage of (almost all) purchases will be donated by Amazon to Lakewood Rotary.  We receive a check quarterly, and got our first one a couple months ago. Set this up as your link to Amazon for all purchases:
And remember also: If you read this bulletin, and you missed this meeting, email Secretary Greg with notification of this, and you'll receive a makeup credit! Easy! And you stay informed without even attending the meeting.  gnsrediske@msn.com