“Oh it breaks my heart to see those stars
Smashing a perfectly good guitar
I don't know who they think they are
Smashing a perfectly good guitar.”
John Hiatt, ca. 1993
On the First Day of Christmas, that seemed like 12 days:
Puffin President Mark Edgecomb gave to the club a rousing introduction of Roastee Chris Kimball – he of Stick, Pantera and 8 fame.
Puffins Troy Wilcox and Rob Erb escorted a squeaky clean and compass-less Chris to center stage. He was outed as a Closet Cowboy right before our astonished eyes!
On the Second Day of Chris – tmas (Ha! Get it? Chris – tmas, Chris - Kim…, oh, never mind….):
Burt Reynolds as Smokey and the Bandit is a favorite of Chris’s. Substitute a Pantera for the TransAm Pontiac and you have a virtual likeness. Well, Burt doesn’t have Chris’s reputation though. Photographic proof was shown of a sign outside Tacoma 8 meeting site that proclaims, “Join Lakewood Rotary and get a Free Ride in Pandora the Pantera.”
Above: The Polar Bear Committee, which meets but once a year
On the Third Day of Christmas:
Chris’s favorite beverage orders were shared. Copy this down, as you may want to try one. Once!
  • Venti Peppermint Frappucino breve expresso with whipped cream and 4 packs of sugar. And for the mid-morning snack a root beer float and lunch of a chocolate milkshake!
One of Chris’s business partners is a talking Napoleon Dynamite doll that resides in his office. Apparently some of his best business ideas have come from brainstorming with Nappy. (If you don’t know who Napoleon Dynamite is, you’re old.)
Closing out the third day, we learned that Chris has channeled Will Ferrell as Buddy the Elf and loves hugs. The Puffins recommended a large group hug at the end of Friday’s meeting. I scooted home to my office and my trusty Smith-Corona to get this typed out. I mean, I like a good group hug just as much as the next guy, but… – I saw Larry Saunders run to the front of the room at the end of the meeting as I exited and I assume it was to get in on the hug.
On the Fourth Day of Christmas, the Bell Rang!
Judge Clint Johnson offered the invocation. Judiciously. Rob Erb led us in the Pledge of Allegiance to our Flag. Morris Northcutt on Cornet and Chris Kimball on the snare and cymbals rendered the National Anthem. Manning the front desk, performing duties too numerous to mention and in no particular order were: Chuck Hellar, Tom Crabill, Ole, PP Bob Zawilski, Dasher and Dancer.
On the Fifth Day of Christmas:
Puffin Tyler Andrew introduced visiting Rotarians as Rod Ladd, Gig Harbor; our favorite returnee. Also, and I’m sure I didn’t get this right – from Puyallup South Hill, Curtis Seal? Sorry if that’s wrong but the Bulletin staff is hearing impaired.
Guests of Rotarians included Kurt, Fae, Pam, Clair, Sharon, Barlow, Carol, Christina, Dr. Johanah, Kris, Jeanette, Mike, Danielle, Julie, Kristy, Vickie, Don, David, Prancer and Vixen. If you introduced anyone on this stellar list, you know who you are. Stand up as you read this and take a bow. That’s a bow as in bending forward from the hips, not one of the pretty loopy doodads on your Christmas Tree.
Ersatz President Mark thanked John Korsmo, Bill White, Clint Johnson, and Comet and Cupid of the Puffin Committee for all their hard work and assistance in preparing Friday’s program. And, by the end of the 12th Day we could appreciate what turned out to be a stellar program indeed!
On the Sixth Day of Christmas:
Rob Erb reported that last Saturday’s turnout was a huge success with 1200 Break Bags filled for EFN. The Sunshine Report by John Forkenbrock is disturbing news that Richard Simmons is recovering from surgery at Allenmore Hospital. Secretary Commissar Rediske visited with Richard Friday afternoon and it sounds like he had some serious surgery – boy, there’s an oxymoron! When isn’t surgery serious? Richard is optimistic and told Secretary Commissar Rediske “…to get back to work and raise those Lakewood Water District rates!”
Miscellany: No meeting until January 8th at the CPVT Rotunda – that would be the round rotunda as compared to the triangular rotunda, Greg Horn. Voting continued, as there are a large number of write-ins on the ballots. Who gave PP Don Goldman the microphone during pre-meeting fellowship? You know, you just can’t let a live microphone get anywhere near a Past President! Apparently the fines garnered during the Roast will accrue to EFN, but no one explained why that was the case?
On the Seventh Day of Christmas:
First Group HUG! All Puffins slathered their Puffin Musk all over Cowboy Chris! It was touching, so to speak.
Puffin Bob Hammar, longtime Tacoma 8 Rotarian, led off with fines from those refugees of Tacoma who came across our unprotected borders at one time or another. Especially heavy was a fine for a past president of Tacoma 8 – our own Sweetheart of Christmas Hats – Judy HoseB. That line-up included Donn Irwin, Rob Erb, Don Anderson, Ty Andrew, Chuck Hellar, Andrew Neiditz, Donner and Blitzen.
Vice-Mayor Jason Whalen was fined for sporadic and late attendance by Hizzoner Don Anderson, as was Donn Irwin by Rob Erb for Cigaring. Troy Wilcox fined his sponsor the difference between his age and the average age of the club members, but Chris Kimball couldn’t do the math! Chief Mike Zaro fined his sponsor Larry Saunders for his inability to stay employed. Larry cheerfully paid and declared his bad cold was worthy of a Chris Kimball big hug! John Forkenbrock outlined Chris’s navigation skills in directing him to a meeting at Mountain View. Tyler Andrew, Mark Edgecomb, Chris Easter - all the Puffins wrested money from their sponsors. I was so entertained I forgot to write it all down. I fully expect to get fired from the Bulletin Staff!
On the Eighth Day of Christmas:
Cowboy Chris was remanded to naming the Country and Western song, artist and year performed. The following only approximates the event – pay close attention:
  • Play me some mountain music in Alabama while Whistling Dixie you baby Cowboy Ghostrideing Boat Buyer you! The year was 1936. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Nashville Yodeler performed it. Chris answered wrong.
Puffin John Forkenbrock read some correspondence to and from Santa that recommended Chris get a life and encouraged Chief Zaro to have him vetted and get a real job!
Then the aforementioned Chief told Chris to stop resisting all the hugs! There was mention of a speeding ticket of a modest 150 MPH, (Chris told me the Pantera easily tops 175 MPH in Lakewood all the time.) Judge Rockhammer found Chris to be too old for Rock n’ Roll and that he was found to smell like cookies - $100 reduced from $200. Such leniency!
On the Ninth Day of Christmas:
Mayor Anderson read a letter from B. H. Obama to Chris that commended him for running Lakewood Rotary. He expressed disbelief but noted that Chris expresses the same sentiment about B. H. Obama. He further complimented Chris that he has truly become a Community Organizer just like B.H. Obama. The Big President then noted that Pandora the Pantera’s emissions were comparable to China’s. Furthermore, CK’s sugar intake was too high to be treated under Obamacare but it was better than the forthcoming Hilary-care!
On the Tenth Day of Christmas:
A Day-in-the-Life-of-Chris Kimball video was presented. There isn’t time enough and the ink on the ribbon for this old Smith-Corona is running out, to detail all that is on the video. Rest assured it will appear on YouTube or the Lakewood Rotary Facebook page. Please view it, rate it and urge the censors to let it stay posted. It is very well-done. And well-done describes the roast too. Congratulations to our fine Puffins for doing an outstanding job with the program.
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas:
President Chris was given the tab for the day that totaled $350. He remarked that was a lot less painful than he thought it would be – (note to Chris: never, ever admit that!) He then very graciously thanked the Puffins for the event. He assured Tacoma 8 that all the foregoing about recruiting their members is a big misunderstanding… honest. Yeah, right.
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas:
Puffin Troy Wilcox drew white for $5. Boy, the big prize would have made a nice stocking stuffer!
Who reads this stuff?
CORRECTION: A photograph in last week’s bulletin was incorrectly listed as depicting Cristina Coero-Borga, our Lakewood Rotary exchange student. The visage actually belonged to Shay Guerrero, daughter of James.