Coffee drinkers:  Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee? A. Because they're Santa's star bucks!

But wait! That is inappropriate for today’s Presidential Roast: it’s not Whalen, but Mary Horn, the Queen herself, getting tossed around with no respect at all!  And starting things off was Puffin Dick Ferrell, the Master of Ceremonies, desperately trying to find a microphone that worked.  Even with all that, the forgiving retired pharmacist thanked the set-up crew: ‘tis the season.

Puffin Jacob Cuthbertson gave the invocation, while Puffin Scott Baird led the Pledge.   Collecting Paul Harris money was Connie Coleman-Lacadie, not a Puffin; she strong-armed folks for $2,225, with a lot of help from Don Anderson’s checkbook.  Chuck Hellar sold raffle tickets and served as Sgt-at-Arms, with a bunch of helpers as the meeting progressed.  And we had TWO photographers: Walt Richardson, and Phil Eng.  Wouldn’t want to miss a photo op on this special day!
 Rotarian Guests: Laurie Cameron (Poulsbo Rotary); Jim Merritt (Tacoma 8 Rotary), Gunda Meissner (Assistant Governor Area #110 / Gig Harbor Midday Rotary); Linda Kaye Briggs (District Governor Nominee Designate / Tacoma 8 Rotary).  A royal gathering indeed for Queen Mary!

Guests: Vicki Kimball, Rhondi Johnson, Pam Lowney, Sharon Rediske, Kris Quinn, Cindy Barton, past member/board member Leanna Christian, past member/past Youth Exchange Officer Gina Benesh, Greg Horn’s friend Marshall Dawson, and Mary Hammar and her daughter Taryn.

Math lovers:  What's St. Nicholas's favorite measurement in the metric system? A. The Santameter!

Joel Vranna took over from here, stumbling a bit as he relayed the important information that three Tom & Jerrys are the equivalent of 30 Coors Lights.  Even three Tom and Jerrys to the wind, he gave a moving Paul Harris presentation to Mary Hammar, Bob Hammar’s one millionth Paul Harris (or close to that anyway).

Wendy McGowan reported on Gordon Quick, with the invitation to send him a card or call him at 702-544-2798, while he continues his cancer treatments in their Las Vegas home.
Greg Horn announced newest granddaughter, “Elara”, whose birth prevented President Mary from attending her own board meeting last month. Greg joked (?) that his son used AI to come up with the name.

English majors: What do you call Santa’s helpers? A: Subordinate Clauses.

And then it happened.  The Annual Roast of the esteemed president of Lakewood Rotary.  The Puffins lamented that there was no dirt; that Mary was a goody-two-shoes, benevolent, and great. Then they proceeded to call into question that assessment.  Perhaps they exaggerated.  But the fun included fines from all, which was going to Caring for Kids.

Congratulations to the sponsors of this large batch of Puffins, who were charged $20 for their efforts to make our club bigger and better: Jason Whalen (2), Anne Enquist, Bob Zawilski, Andy Phillips, Yorleny Clapper, Chris Kimball (2), Jan Gee (2), Carl Bronkema, Angela Connelly, Mary Horn, Scott Buser, Steve Enquist.

Then, anyone living on the lake, with a view of the lake or near any lake was charged $5.  If you were ex-military, $5.00.  Or $10 if you were a “double-dipper” in retirement.

Movie lovers: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A: A rebel without a Claus.

TO TELL THE TRUTH: The TV show started in 1956 when Mary Horn was just a youngster and ran on and off again until 2022.  And now, it was on again in 2023. The show sponsor was Rotary Fines, “the proven way to shrink that too-fat wallet.”  The panel of judges included Scott Baird, Cat Frederickson, Andrew Boitano and Gael Whalen.  Their job was to ascertain who was the real Mary Horn.  Three imposters and the real Mary were seated together, prepared to answer questions from the judges.

But first, we viewed a travelogue of Mary’s beginnings way back when to the tune of “Mary why did you treat me so wrong”: no one knew for sure when that “beginning” was, because the stone tablets were broken and lost to posterity.  She spent time as a farm girl in Ellensburg, and also lived in Brothel. Yes, Brothel, they reported. Or was it Bothell?  She met Greg at a boat race on the Sammamish Slough.  Later, she moved to Miami, where Greg came sjhopping for a new race boat.  The rest, as they say, is history: 3 sons, and literally countless grandchildren (but that’s another story for another time).

Question: I understand the ideal man must have certain qualities, what are they?
            #4: (the real Mary) He must ski
            #1: (a disguised Kris Kauffman) He must have meat on his bones
            #2: (a disguised Tyler Parker) I like a man with a song in his heart
            #3: (a disguised Sally Saunders, frankly, the most believable of the 3 non-Marys) I like a man with a drink his hand.

Question: Is it true you moved to a brothel in your formative years?
            #2: Actually, I moved to Bothel.  Boring.  But I did learn there that I like a man with song in his heart, which helped me become the “Entertaining Queen of Lakewood”
            #3: I never worked in a brothel. Too much work, not enough drinking

Question: What was the family business that influenced you so much?
            #2: We raised chickens and pigs. Smelling pig crap and chicken poop 24 hours a day will make you love a man with a song in his heart.
            #3: That stink made me start stealing booze from my dad’s liquor cabinet.
            #1: Nothing like a farm to attract a man with meat on his bones.

Question: What is your attraction to blue speedos (previously modeled in an old picture of Greg)
            #3: What you see….well, not everyone looks good in a speedo.

Question: What did you think of Greg, driving all the way to Florida to find you?
            #2: I remember thinking that Ted Bundy drove a VW from Tacoma to Florida looking for women, and that didn’t work so well.  But Greg had a BIG boat, so I was willing to take a chance.

Question: What kind of perfume did you use to attract Greg?
            #1: First, you fumigate your clothes in two-stroke outboard engine exhaust; then, add a little grease on the wrists and bit of Scotch behind the ears.  If that didn’t work, a little swampy lake water under my arms did the trick.

Question: What can you tell us about the years travelling in the RV selling your skis?
            #2: One night, Greg came back to the RV sooner than I expected.   The springs were squeaking and the RV was rocking! Without knocking, Greg came in to find me dancing in a skimpy bikini singing “We are Family!” at the top of my lungs. That was a night.

Question: After a long day of work, what do you like to wear after coming home to relax?
            #3: A big smile.  And a drink.

The panel made their choices: Scott Baird picked #2 (Tyler); Cat picked #3 (Sally), Andrew picked #1 (Kris), Gael picked #3 also.  Then, the REAL Mary Horn stood up, to the surprise of all!  Sadly, the rules established that if no one got the real Mary, Mary would be subject to a $1,000 fine.

To finish off the debacle, the Puffins had everyone look under their chairs for an envelope, which had some candy and some instructions requiring a fine payment.  Mary (the real one) thanked the Puffins, sort of, and then announced the winner of a bottle of wine in the raffle, Laurie Cameron, while Barlow Buescher won $5.00 for the good fortune of pulling a white chip.

Another Roast in the books!  Well done, all.  Especially the bartenders: Joe Quinn, Rick Selden, Gayle Selden, John Lowney.  And special thanks to our Head Puffin, the esteemed and battle-tested Mark Blanchard!

Remember: no meeting December 22 or December 29.  If you show up at the Club, you will be all alone.  January 5: the meeting will be at the Pavilion in Ft. Steilacoom Park.

And finally, because these have a declining shelf life:
Cleaners: What is Santa Claus' laundry detergent of choice?  A: Yule-Tide.  

Bankers: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?  A: Saint Nickel-less.

Punk Rockers: What's Santa's favorite song by the Ramones?  A: Blitzen-krieg Bop.  

Teachers: What do you say to Santa when he's taking attendance at school? A: Present.

Health Insurers:  What do you call Kris Kringle when he goes on his wife’s health insurance?  A: A dependent Claus

Gardeners: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Fire fighters: What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?  A: Crisp Kringle.

Psychiatrists: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?  A: Claustrophobic.

NEEDED!! Baseball coaches for T-ball and coach-pitch.  Lakewood Baseball Club will be opening registration on January 1.  Experience (especially in T-ball) is a bonus, not a necessity. There will be mass practices at first, with plenty of hands-on teaching for the kids.  Practice planning is also available.  What we need is adults, ages 18-90, men and women, ready to have SO much fun “organizing” our young baseballers.  This is about a 4-month commitment, but you don’t have to be present week in and week out.  Your vacation can still work just fine!  Grab a friend if you like for a tandem coaching experience.  Please consider volunteering.  Contact Greg Rediske, 253-307-3494, or gnsrediske@msn.com.